Comments on Initial Essay

Comments on Initial Essays
EMSC 121

Essay

I've never really thought extensively about how minerals affect my life until I started taking this course. Minerals are everywhere and it never occurred to me that my life would be so different without them. As I start my day, I take for granted that I have a place to live. Without minerals, I would be homeless. Minerals are the key components in the foundation of my apartment building. They are what make my building strong and secure. When I walk in my bathroom, I take for granted that I have tiles on my floor and in the bath tub. And when I look in the mirror to put on my gold and silver jewelry (although I never wear both together because that is a big fashion No-No), I take for granted that I am able to see myself in my mirror (because of minerals) and to admire my minerals (aka my gold necklace and silver watch). Without minerals, I wouldn't be able to make such a great fashion statement. As I leave my apartment, I take for granted that I have sidewalks and streets to walk on. Without minerals, I would be forced to walk through muddy fields and grassy pastures. Sitting in my computer class, I take for granted that I have a computer, which uses gold trimmings to operate. After class, I take for granted that I have a car to drive to the grocery store so that I can buy food. The list goes on and on. Minerals make all my daily routines a reality. Without them, life would be so much different. Yet, it wasn't until I registered to take this class that I realized the true importance of minerals in my everyday life.
Even though I see the great impact of minerals in my life, I also am concerned with the negative impact of them as well. I have heard horror stories of pollution caused by the extraction of minerals. In this class, I hope to learn the basic concepts regarding minerals but I also hope to learn about the environmental concerns associated with the extraction of minerals. I want to hear about real issues and concerns that face society today. I want to be able to walk away from this class with not only a better understanding of minerals but with a true application of the impact of minerals in my life. I want to gain a better understanding of how minerals are extracted and converted to everyday objects but I also want to learn why some should not be extracted due to environmental concerns. Overall, I want to be able to walk away from this course with knowledge that I can use in my everyday life.

Comments

I enjoyed reading your essay. It is thoughtful and insightful. I offer three sets of comments to consider, as marked by the three different brackets:
<< scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}}. I may have also removed (some words -'dead wood' or 'distracting') and added SOME WORDS, as designated by parentheses (), or ALL CAPS .

I've never really thought extensively about how minerals affect my life until I started taking this course. Minerals are everywhere and it never occurred to me that my life would be so different without them. [[perhaps another sentence here in introduction and start a new paragraph for the body of the essay]] As I start my day, I take for granted that I have a place to live. Without minerals, I would be homeless. Minerals (are the key components in) CONSTITUTE the foundation of my apartment building [[Use active voice, and robust verbs.]] (They are what make my building strong and secure.) (When I walk in my bathroom,) I take for granted that I have tiles on the floor IN THE BATHROOM. (and in the bath tub.) And when I look in the mirror to put on my gold and silver jewelry (although I never wear both together because that is a big fashion No-No), I take for granted that I am able to see myself in my mirror (because of minerals) and to admire my minerals (aka my gold necklace and silver watch). Without minerals, I wouldn't be able to make such a great fashion statement. [[paragraph break]] As I leave my apartment, I take for granted that I have sidewalks and streets to walk on. Without minerals, I would be forced to walk through muddy fields and grassy pastures. Sitting in my computer class, I take for granted that I have a computer (,) which uses gold (trimmings) CONDUCTORS to operate. After class, I take for granted that I have a car to drive to the grocery store so that I can buy food. The list goes on and on. Minerals make LIFE POSSIBLE. (all my daily routines a reality.) (Without them, life would be so much different. Yet, it wasn't until I registered to take this class that I realized the true importance of minerals in my everyday life.)
Even though I see the great impact of minerals in my life, I also am concerned with the negative impact of them as well. I have heard horror stories of pollution caused by the extraction of minerals. In this class, I hope to learn the basic concepts regarding minerals but I also hope to learn about the environmental concerns associated with the extraction of minerals. I want to hear about real issues and concerns that face society today. [[paragraph break to start the conclusion]] I want to be able to walk away from this class with not only a better understanding of minerals but with a true application of the impact of minerals in my life <<not clear after "but with..">> . I want to gain a better understanding of how minerals are extracted and converted to everyday objects but I also want to learn why some should not be extracted due to environmental concerns. Overall, I want to be able to walk away from this course with knowledge that I can use in my everyday life.

<<good examples of minerals along a story line of a daily routine; good contrast of material benefits versus environmental costs>>
[[need to have a well-crafted structure with separate paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion]]
{{Use shorter and simpler sentences with active voice. Use 'I' less frequently when you can. It would be difficult to do that in this essay since you adopted an informal tone. }}

Essay

When I was a freshman in high school, I took an Earth Science class that dealt with many subjects—my favorite being minerals and rocks. I liked the colors, textures, and shapes of them, and even learning what they are used for in the world. I learned about the different uses for each mineral, what their differences and similarities were, and how to identify them. I only wish I could remember everything I learned! But now that I can’t remember much at all, I’m very excited about taking this class. I know minerals affect everything around me, and in this class, I can’t wait to learn about the specific ways they do.

Minerals are everywhere—from the cars we drive, to the food we eat, to the jewelry we wear, and even inside our computers. Lead, Aluminum, Silver, Gold, and Sulfur—all of these minerals and many more are used in certain and specific ways every day. I know that without minerals, I would not be here, as my own body is composed of many of them. I’m very intrigued by the fact that if even one mineral was wiped out of existence—say aluminum was completely gone forever—our way of life would be drastically changed. We’d have to find another way to build our airplanes, our cars, and a new substance to wrap our leftovers in. Or if lead were to disappear, we would have find a new way to build and run electronic applications, television tubes, weights, ceramics or crystal glass, foil or wire, and even X-Ray and gamma radiation shielding.

I hope to learn about how each mineral is specifically used in my life—and around me. I want to be able to identify minerals in my life—and figure out how each was used to create the things around me—like the walls of my dorm room, my desk lamp, and my fish bowl—everything. I really think I’m going to enjoy this class. I’m definitely ready to learn.

Comments

I enjoyed your essay. It is well structured, and well written. You obviously did some reading before writing this essay. It includes many examples of mineral uses and a good level of technical information. I offer three sets of comments to consider for your future essays, as marked by three different brackets:
<< scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}}. I may have also removed (some words -either 'dead wood' or 'distracting') and added SOME WORDS, as designated by parentheses () and ALL CAPS, respectively .

When I was a freshman in high school, I took an Earth Science class that dealt with many subjects, INCLUDING (—my favorite being) minerals and rocks -MY FAVORITE. I liked the colors, textures, and shapes of THE MINERALS AND ROCKS (them, and even learning what they are used for in the world). I learned about the different uses for each mineral, what their differences and similarities were, and how to identify them. (I only wish I could remember everything I learned! But now that I can’t remember much at all, I’m very excited about taking this class.) I know minerals affect everything around me, and in this class, I can’t wait to learn HOW (about the specific ways they do.) [[did shorten your introduction-it was a little too long for a one-page essay]]

Minerals are everywhere—from (the) cars (we drive), to (the) food (we eat), to (the) jewelry (we wear), and (even inside our) TO computers. Lead, Aluminum, Silver, Gold, and Sulfur {{no need to capitalize the names of minerals, or metals}}—all (of) these minerals and METALS and many more FIND NUMEROUS DIFFERENT USES (are used in certain and specific ways every day). [[use active verbs, e.g., 'find' instead of 'are']] I know that without minerals, I would not EXIST (be here), as my own body CONSISTS OF (is composed of many of them) MINERALS. (I’m very intrigued by the fact that if even one mineral was wiped out of existence) IT IS INTRIGUING TO THINK THAT REMOVING a SINGLE ELEMENT FROM EXISTENCE—say aluminum- (was completely gone forever—our way of life) would (be) CHANGE LIFE drastically (changed). We’d have to find another way to build (our) airplanes, (our) cars, and a new substance to wrap (our) leftovers in. Or if lead were to disappear, we would have (find) a new way to build and run electronic applications, television tubes, weights, ceramics or crystal glass, foil or wire, and even X-Ray and gamma radiation shielding.

[[strong, uplifting conclusion]]

Essay

Minerals are a vital part of how I live my daily life and how I interact with my surrounding environment. Without minerals we wouldn't have the objects that we use everyday for school, work, and leisure; such as computers, the chairs that we sit on, the buildings that we live in, lights, glass, and many other objects that we use every day and take for granted. Minerals are used and processed every day to give us valuable items such as iron, aluminum, the filaments for light bulbs, gold, silver, and gems for our jewelry, the silicon used in computer chips, and copper used to make wiring, among thousands of other uses. The locating, excavating, mining, processing, refining, distributing, and selling of minerals employ hundreds of thousands of people from our country and around the world and are major factors in the world’s economy, the social interactions among people, and the advancement of the human race itself. Minerals are an essential part of life itself, because without them there wouldn’t be much of an Earth left for anything to live on, let alone thrive.

In this class, I'd like to learn about the things that the general run of people don't know about minerals and how they are used, and also the types of minerals used for common things that we use all the time that we don't usually think about. I took this class because I have always been interested in minerals, and since I was a child, have always liked Earth Science. I don’t need it to fulfill my GN credits, or even for electives, I took it because I thought it would be interesting and would benefit me in the long run from know about how minerals interact with us in our everyday life.

Comments

I enjoyed reading your essay. It is concise, and well-written. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.

<<good references to particular uses of different minerals, different steps involved in the life-cycle of minerals, vital role in the economy>>

[[need to structure your essay in three distinct sections: Introduction, body, and conclusion.]]

{{Use simpler sentences, active voice, and strong verbs. See what you think about your more "muscular" and "lean" first sentence: Minerals constitute a vital part of my life and environment.}}

Essay

Primary Essay on Minerals

Once thought about, minerals affect very much of a normal human being‚s life. Glancing briefly around my dorm room, I notice so many things that couldn‚t exist without the aid of minerals. The metals used in all of the various electronic equipment, the quartz used in clocks and the glass for mirrors are just a few of the objects that need minerals from the earth to be here.
One main point that I wish to learn from taking this course is how much and how often society is really affected my minerals. To be quite honest, apart from doing a third grade science project on igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic rocks, my knowledge of minerals is quite limited. The only other educational encounter that I can recall at the moment was a special I watched on the history channel about copper mining in Butte, Montana.
Needless to say, I haven‚t been exposed to much technical information on minerals and how they affect society everyday. Though it is not every man‚s dream to learn more about resources that come from our earth, I would still like to know a bit more about what goes into refining these products to make them into what I see every day and how often I really am affected by them.

Comments

This is a brief and sincere essay. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.

<<Although very low key, you make some reference to uses of minerals and classification of rocks. You could add a sentence, or two about copper mining in Butte that has led to one of the most spectacular Superfund sites. Interest in mineral processing. >>

[[Good organization of the essay with good introduction, somewhat lean body, strong, and funny conclusion. You could beef up the body a little. Honest and down-to-earth tone.]]

{{Need simpler, shorter sentences. See your last sentence: It takes more than half of your concluding paragraph.}}

Essay

Minerals and Modern Society

To be completely honest, I have never realized the importance of minerals in our world today. However, after careful consideration and the brief class introduction, I have come to the conclusion that minerals play a significant role in my life. From the tools and objects I use and take for granted, such as computers, to the jewelry I receive and wear proudly, minerals are everywhere. In addition, I feel that our society today is oblivious to amount of minerals that exist essentially our lives. For example, my mom raised her eyebrows and questioned why I chose to take a course labeled “Minerals and Modern Society”. She did not see the relevance of studying this topic even though she herself relies on minerals each and every day.

Through out this course, I would like to gain a broader view of the use of minerals in our society in the past, present, and future. For instance, I was surprised that gold is a part in computers. I would like to learn about other objects that are made from minerals and how exactly they were constructed. Also, I am not completely sure what a mineral is and is not. I feel it would be helpful to discuss the major minerals we use and their specific and common properties.

Overall, although it is only the first week of the course, I am already learning new and interesting facts concerning minerals. I hope that over the next few months I fully understand the properties of minerals along with the major role they play in my life and society. Maybe then I can explain to my mom why she should take this class.

Comments

I like the personal story line with the "anchor mom" in this essay that nicely ties your introduction and conclusion. It is also well organized, and well written. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.

<<good reference to significant, but usually unrecognized, role of minerals in society, gold in computers, and a healthy dose of curiosity>>

[[Good organization of ideas, could shorten the introduction and lengthen the body. Good transitions between sentences and paragraphs.]]

{{Good use of active voice in your sentences. There are a couple of typos and punctuation errors. }}

Essay

How Minerals Affect My Way of Life

Minerals are important to me because they are everywhere. If I look
around for a moment I notice that everything is composed of some mineral
or another. Minerals are important because they are keys to survival in
the world that I live in. There are minerals used in making houses,
buildings, and everyday household items including television sets and
even this computer I am using to write this paper. Minerals are made
into the car that I drive and the buildings that I live in.
Minerals are natural resources that are not man made but come from the
earth‚s surface. These natural resources find a way into every activity
that is done during the day. Natural resources have become a vital part
in the way that I live. From the time I take a shower in the morning to
the time I go to bed at night I am surrounded by materials composed of
minerals. I never really noticed before writing this paper just how
important minerals are to me. They are very important to me because my
way of life would not exist without minerals.
Minerals are very important to me because they aid in communication.
Today, communicating with others is a vital part of society. The
telephone and the computer are composed of minerals and would not exist
without these natural resources.
In this class I hope to gain a better understanding of where minerals
come from. I hope to learn how minerals are made and what process the
earth goes through to make minerals.

Comments

This is a good personal reflection on minerals. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, or better flow.

How Minerals Affect My Way of Life [[good title]]

Minerals are important to me because they are everywhere. If I look
around for a moment I notice that everything is composed of, OR MADE FROM some mineral
or another. Minerals are important because they CONSTITUTE (are) [[active voice]] keys to survival in
the world that I live in. There are minerals used in making houses,
buildings, and everyday household items including television sets and
even this computer I am using to write this paper. Minerals are made
into (the) cars (that I drive) and (the) buildings (that I live in).
Minerals are natural resources that are not man made but come from the
earth‚s surface. These natural resources find a way into every DAILY activity
(that is done during the day). Natural resources have become a vital part
in the way that I live <<Natural resources include more than minerals, such as plants, water, and air. They have always been vital in every way of life.   Need to stick to minerals.>> From the time I take a shower in the morning to
the time I go to bed at night I am surrounded by materials (composed of) MADE FROM
minerals.    I never really noticed before writing this paper just how
important minerals are to me. They are very important to me because my
way of life would not exist without minerals.
Minerals are very important to me because they aid in communication.
Today , communicating with others PLAYS (is) a vital (part of) ROLE IN society. The
telephone and the computer (are composed) CONSIST of minerals AND METALS and would not exist
without these natural resources.
   In this class I hope to gain a better understanding of where minerals
come from. I hope to learn how minerals are made (and what process ) IN the
earth (goes through to make minerals).

[[Generally good organization of ideas, a little repetitive, but good emphasis on why minerals important. Introduction is a little long, but reads well. ]]

<<good references to various applications of minerals, could identify some minerals, or metals by name >>

Essay

My name is ......... I am 20 years old, and
throughout my life, minerals have been a big part of
it. I live in New Jersey, and minerals are all over
that state.
Minerals are something we see around us everyday.
Minerals have affected my life because mostly
everything I own, for the most part, came from a
mineral.
My car is made from steel. The steel is a metal,
which is a mineral. Also, the windows in my car come
from sand. The sand comes from a mineral. These
minerals give me a form of transportation.
My house, which is my form of shelter, is also made
from minerals. The windows in my house keep out the
cold. Also the concrete used in making the house has
rocks in it. These rocks are minerals. And there is
wood used to hold the building up.
I use a lot of electrical items. Some of these items
include a computer, television, vcr, and many others.
There are many minerals that are used to make the
wires and little computer chips. Most of these
minerals are mostly metals. Also I play a guitar.
The strings on the guitar are metal, or some a nickel
plating to it.
I am in this class mostly because itís a requirement.
But after a few weeks of the class I know I will have
a little more knowledge about minerals. I intend to
know what minerals are mostly used in everyday life.
I donít really know a lot about minerals, so
furthering my knowledge on this would be good. It
sounds like an interesting topic. Also it deals with
something you see everyday.

Comments

I enjoyed reading your essay. Good personal reflection on the uses of minerals, well-thought of, well written. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, or better flow.

[[need a good title for your essay]]

My name is ....... I am 20 years old, and
(throughout my life,) minerals have been a big part of
MY LIFE (it). I live in New Jersey, and minerals are all over
that state <<Is there any state that does not have minerals?>>.
Minerals (are something we see around) SURROUND [[use active voice]] us (everyday).
Minerals have affected my life because mostly
everything I own, for the most part, came from a
mineral.
My car is made from steel. The steel is a metal,
which is a mineral. Also, the windows in my car come
from sand. The sand comes from a mineral. These
minerals PROVIDE (give me a form of) COMFORTABLE transportation.
My house, (which is) my (form of) shelter, is also made
from minerals. The windows in my house keep out the
cold. Also the concrete used in making the house has
rocks in it. These rocks CONSIST OF (are) minerals. And there is
wood used to hold the building up.
I use (a lot of) MANY electrical (items) APPLIANCES. (Some of t)These (items)
include a computer, television, vcr, and many others.
There are many minerals that are used to make the
wires and little computer chips. Most of these
minerals are mostly metals. Also I play a guitar.
The strings on the guitar are metal, or some a nickel
plating to it.
I am in this class mostly because itís a requirement.
But after a few weeks of the class I know I will have
a little more knowledge about minerals. I intend to
know what minerals are mostly used in everyday life.
I donít really know a lot about minerals, so
furthering my knowledge on this would be good. It
sounds like an interesting topic. Also it deals with
something you see everyday. [[could shorten your conclusion for a more crisp ending]]

[[good organization of ideas in well constructed paragraphs]]
<<good references to applications of several minerals with specific information>>
{{use more robust, active sentences}}

Essay

Minerals Effect Society

Minerals are all around us. We use them everyday. Just look around you; it doesn‚t matter what kind of materials you are using. You can be sitting in a plastic chair, or driving in a car, but whatever it may be more than likely it was made from minerals. This is exactly how minerals mainly effect our every day lives. Of course minerals don‚t come from living organisms. So products such as paper and wooden products do not count as minerals. But as I sit here and go through a serious thought process, I can figure out that I use minerals more than I would have ever thought.

Over the summer months, when I carry on a normal everyday life, I believe that I use minerals more over that span of time than any other time during the year. As I look at the things that I do and the items that I use everyday, there are plenty of minerals involved. The main usage of minerals being my transportation needs. Transportation services involve gasoline which is produced from petroleum, a vehicle, and of course the roadways and highway systems. On the side, I also use clays for my dishes to eat off of and I live in a brick house that was produced from clay. There are also many electronics and plastics that are used to help me through life and to survive. When I pick up the telephone or turn on the T.V. to enjoy myself, I realize that they are made from mineral based materials too. Even at this very moment I am involved with minerals in my life. The use of this computer to write my paper is just another example. It‚s like no matter what I do in today‚s society, a majority of the items used are made from minerals. Aluminum, gold, petroleum, coal, cement, and others are just a few to name. If it weren‚t for the usage of minerals, would it even be possible to carry on an everyday style of living?

As far as what I plan on learning in this class, I really don‚t know. The only true expectation that I have for this class is to learn where some of these minerals come from and what products are produced from them. I have always been interested in the minerals of the earth, so I figured that this would be my chance to learn about them.

The main theme is that minerals are all around me. I use them all the time and don‚t even recognize it. This is my chance to learn where they come from and why we use them so much. I look forward to it.

Comments

This is a good first draft of an essay with free flowing ideas. You need to revise, rewrite, and revise to focus and sharpen it. Below are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.

[[Your tone is conversational and a little too informal for this kind of essay. Make your sentences self-contained, stand on their own. Structure your essay along a time line, a theme, or a story. ]]

<<Good reference to some uses of minerals. GIve more specific information. Avoid generalizations. Yes, plants and living organisms are not minerals, but some minerals have come from once living organisms - e.g., calcium carbonate, CaCO3, as mentioned in class. >>

{{I strongly recommend that you work with a writing tutor on this essay to start with, and your next essay. Writing well is an important skill that you can acquire by working hard at it with good help, initially.}}

Minerals (E)Affect {{Affect is the verb.}}Society

Minerals are all around us. We use them everyday. Just look around you; it doesn‚t matter what kind of materials you are using. You can be sitting in a plastic chair, or driving in a car, but whatever it may be more than likely it was made from minerals. This is exactly how minerals mainly (e)Affect our every day lives. Of course minerals don‚t come from living organisms <<some do!>>. So products such as paper and wooden products do not count as minerals. But as I sit here and go through a serious thought process, I can figure out that I use minerals more than I would have ever thought.

Essay

Minerals greatly affect the way that people live. From the smallest things
to the largest, minerals have probably played a role in their formation and
existence. In this course, I would like to know more about the specific
ways in which minerals contribute to our environment and world. It would be
interesting to know what exact minerals make up a particular thing (A thing
that we may look at everyday, but not know what it was made from). It was
mentioned in class that the desks and chairs that we use every day are made
up of minerals. There are many other items used in the world that are
important to society that people take for granted. Many think that they are
just what they are: a limestone bathtub, marble floors and the gems in our
everyday jewelry etc. However, they fail to realize that they come from a
much more natural places as well as serve other purposes. During the course
of this class, I would also like to know how minerals are formed, the
difference between minerals and other natural substances and the different
kinds of minerals. It would be interesting to know what classifies
something as mineral and/or the chemical make-up that it needs to have.
This is important to me because minerals provide a world for me to live and
function in. From the soil that I walk on to the air that I breath,
minerals play a major role, and unfortunately I, and many others aren’t
aware of its benefits in totality.

Comments

This is a very compact essay with good ideas. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, or better flow.

[[need a title for your essay]]

Minerals greatly affect the way that people live. From the smallest things
to the largest, minerals have probably played a role in their formation and
existence <<need to be more specific and assertive- words like 'things' and 'probably' make your sentence vague and hesitant>> . In this course, I would like to know more about the specific
ways in which minerals contribute to our environment and world <<good>>. [[paragraph break here-ened of introduction]] It would be
interesting to know what exact minerals make up a particular (thing) OBJECT (A thing
that we may look at everyday, but not know what it was made from). It was
mentioned in class that the desks and chairs that we use every day are made
(up) FROM of minerals. There are many other items used in the world that are
important to society that people take for granted. Many think that they are
just what they are: a limestone bathtub, marble floors and the gems in our
everyday jewelry etc. However, they fail to realize that they come from THE EARTH'S CRUST (a
much more natural places) AND MAY HAVE MANY OTHER APLICATIONS (as well as serve other purposes). During the course
of this class, I would also like to know how minerals are formed, the
difference between minerals and other natural substances and the different
kinds of minerals <<GOOD>>. It would be interesting to know what classifies
(something) A SUBSTANCE as A mineral and/or (the) ITS chemical COMPOSITION(make-up that it needs to have.)
This is important to me because minerals provide a world for me to live and
function in. [[paragraph break here to start your conclusion]]From the soil that I walk on to the air that I breath,
minerals play a major role, and unfortunately I, and many others aren’t
aware of its benefits in totality.

{{Need to construct more definitive and more robust sentences.}}
[[Use paragraph breaks to divide your essay into three distinct sections - introduction, body, and conclusion. You have done a good job in the contents of these sections, I just marked the paragraph breaks for a better appearance and easier reading.]]

Essay

First Essay on Minerals

I never take any science course in penn state before so when I first hear the word mineral in class I wasnít sure what that means. At first, I thought mineral comes from only plant. I didnít know exactly whatís the real definition for it. When you ask whatís itís made of mineral from plant, animal, or fossil thatís in the class thatís when I kind of understand about mineral.
Minerals are very important to us in everyday life. Sometimes I used something that is mineral and I donít even notice it. Without mineral our life would be very hard. There wouldnít be any house to stay, desk, chair, and etc. There also wouldnít be any electricity if there werenít any mineral. I never knew that until we talked about this during class.
I want to learn how necklace, ring, and other jewelry are made of. I know it is made of gold but I donít actually know how is done. By the end of this semester I would have a better understanding of mineral. I hope to acknowledge this and take other science classes. My friend told me to take this emsc 121 because he told me that is very interesting and fun. So far, I really like this class and hope to learn some more fun stuff about minerals.

Comments

What you have here is not an essay, just a random collection of some thoughts, or free writing. You need to take these thoughts add more ideas and mold them into a essay structure that consists of introduction, main body, and conclusion. You need to construct good sentences that will make up the paragraphs that are well connected throughout your essay. Make your essay tell an interesting story as you provide information. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.

[[You need to have a professional tone in your essay and a good organization of the content. You wrote this piece as if you were talking to me. That may be an interesting style for an essay, but you still need to have well-constructed, and grammatically correct sentences. ]]

<<Give information that your readers would be interested in; be more direct, and specific.>>

{{Need to work hard on your sentences; some are not clear, others don't stand by themselves, many need to be corrected for grammar.}}

First Essay on Minerals [[need a more inviting title]]

I never take any science course in penn state before so when I first hear the word mineral in class I wasnít sure what that means. At first, I thought mineral comes from only plant. I didnít know exactly whatís the real definition for it. When you ask whatís itís made of mineral from plant, animal, or fossil thatís in the class thatís when I kind of understand about mineral. <<Rewrite the previous three sentences to express clearly what a mineral is, and is not.>>
Minerals are very important to us in everyday life. Sometimes I used something that is mineral and I donít even notice it. Without mineral our life would be very hard. There wouldnít be any house to stay, desk, chair, and etc. There also wouldnít be any electricity <<why? Be more specific. For example, without copper wire, how would electricity be transmitted. >> if there werenít any mineral. I never knew that until we talked about this during class.
I want to learn how necklace, ring, and other jewelry are made of. I know it is made of gold but I donít actually know how is done. [[I would put a paragraph break here to start the conclusion to wrap up your essay in connection with introduction, and the body.]] By the end of this semester I would have a better understanding of mineral. I hope to acknowledge <<acknowledge may not be the verb you are looking for here>> this and take other science classes. My friend told me to take this emsc 121 because he told me that is very interesting and fun <<because learning is fun, right?>>. So far, I really like this class and hope to learn some more fun stuff about minerals.

Essay

When someone first asks me to think of some things that minerals are used for, only a few examples initially come to mind. Even though I'm not a girl, jewelry is usually the first for me and then perhaps something like silverware or glass windows. But after taking just a few moments to really stop and think about all the different uses of minerals, I quickly realized that without minerals, I would be living like a caveman.
Minerals are everywhere! They are used in all sorts of everyday necessities from steel products, to chemicals, building materials, cars, fertilizers, and even electronics. I then realized that all day long I am using minerals. Wether it is directly or indirectly, minerals are a part of everything I do. Going places in a car or plane requires steel made from Iron Ore....When I look at my watch to check the time, quartz is used in the components. It then occurred to me that I should really be trying to think of something that is not made from mineral. How about my clothes? My T-shirt is made of cotton, which is a plant. Sure this is true, but the machine used to make it certainly wasn't made from a plant. It was made from metallic minerals.
I now had a goal of finding something that wasn't made with the help of a mineral, but first I could escape thinking about minerals for awhile and enjoy lunch. Before I could bite into that juicy hamburger, images of a wire fence (made from metal) holding the cows in the field came to mind. Then I thought of the cows eating grains and grasses that were grown with mineral rich fertilizers. It became clear to me that if you aren't using a mineral, you are most likely using something that was made with the help of a mineral. Wether it's buying a soda with metal coins, or sleeping on a bed with a steel frame, I am using minerals all the time, and I can't imagine my life without them.
Throughout my education I have had only a couple of science classes that touched on the subject of minerals. These classes had samples of different rocks and minerals and required the students to memorize them. The next week, the students were then graded on how many they could correctly identify. I would expect this course to devote some time in learning some of the common minerals and what they look like. This would be a good introduction, but certainly not the major goal of the class. Instead, I feel that learning where large amounts of gold and diamonds could be found would be more important. If this isn't possible and you want to keep it a secret, then I would really be interested in what the newest minerals in todays society are and what new types of uses are being found for them. Also, how are these minerals mined? And finally, what is in store for the future when these natural resources are exhausted?

Comments

This is a lively assay with good examples of how minerals are weaved into the fabric of modern life. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, or better flow.

[[need a title]]

(When someone first asks me to think of some things that ) THINKING ABOUT WHAT minerals are used for, only a few examples (initially) come to mind (INITIALLY). Even though I'm not a girl, jewelry is usually the first for me and then perhaps something like silverware or glass windows. But after taking just a few moments to really stop and think about all the different uses of minerals, I quickly realized that without minerals, I would be living like a caveman <<you know how badly cave people needed minerals for shelter, food, and defense>>.
Minerals are everywhere! They are used in all sorts of everyday necessities from steel products, to chemicals, building materials, cars, fertilizers, and even electronics. I then realized that all day long I am using minerals. Wether it is directly or indirectly, minerals are a part of everything I do. Going places in a car or plane requires steel made from Iron Ore....When I look at my watch to check the time, quartz is used in the components. It then occurred to me that I should really be trying to think of something that is not made from mineral. How about my clothes? My T-shirt is made of cotton, which is a plant. Sure this is true, but the machine used to make it certainly wasn't made from a plant. It was made from metallic minerals.
I now had a goal of finding something that wasn't made with the help of a mineral, but first I could escape thinking about minerals for awhile and enjoy lunch. Before I could bite into that juicy hamburger, images of a wire fence (made from metal) holding the cows in the field came to mind. Then I thought of the cows eating grains and grasses that were grown with mineral rich fertilizers. It became clear to me that if you aren't using a mineral, you are most likely using something that was made with the help of a mineral. Wether it's buying a soda with metal coins, or sleeping on a bed with a steel frame, I am using minerals all the time, and I can't imagine my life without them.
Throughout my education I have had only a couple of science classes that touched on the subject of minerals. These classes had samples of different rocks and minerals and required the students to memorize them. The next week, the students were then graded on how many they could correctly identify. I would expect this course to devote some time in learning some of the common minerals and what they look like. This would be a good introduction, but certainly not the major goal of the class. Instead, I feel that learning where large amounts of gold and diamonds could be found would be more important. If this isn't possible and you want to keep it a secret, then I would really be interested in what the newest minerals in todays society are and what new types of uses are being found for them. Also, how are these minerals mined? And finally, what is in store for the future when these natural resources are exhausted?

[[Good personal tone and a story thread running through your essay. Good use of humor. You need to have a concluding paragraph to wrap up your essay]]

<<good, specific examples of how minerals are used in daily tasks and routines>>

Essay

First Essay on Minerals

In nearly every aspect of my life there are minerals present. From kicking rocks while

walking on concrete sidewalks to sitting in a brick building at a black stone desk, I notice minerals

in things that are around me. What I did not realize was the presence of minerals in electronics,

glass, the can I am sipping from, and half of the things lying around my room.

Before I started this class, I had only thought of quarries when minerals came to mind since

there was a quarry near my house. I could see the evidence when new foundations would be laid

in new houses, and in the layers of new road being put down. I never thought of metals as

minerals though. To think that the fork I use is made up of minerals went right over my head. The

realization that copper in electronics and pipes or the tiny microprocessors in my computer were

mined out of the ground was something new to me.

There is so much that can be made and discovered from minerals that the possibilities are

endless. What I want to get from this class is a look at how minerals are created and how they

are dispersed randomly around the world. The reading talked about how gold was the similar to

graphite or coal, but containing a different crystal structure. I want to learn how those tiny

differences that make such a big change in what the minerals are. Along that line, I would like to

learn about the different ways that minerals become present, like the volcano from 50 million years

ago versus a volcano out in the ring of fire.

Another idea that I have come upon is that there could be minerals lying deep within the

earth that people have never seen before. If it has been 50 million years since the last kimberlitic

volcano, then what are the possibilities of another kind of volcano or a similar eruption today?

I have learned a little about plate tectonics. The major idea there that catches my eye is

how sea shells and things associated with the sea can be found in mountains of the Himalayas,

and places such as Mt. Everest could be growing while India might be getting smaller due to

tectonic plates pushing into each other. More than anything, I am looking forward to learning about

minerals that are everywhere in the universe and have stories to tell.

Comments

This is a very interesting, and informative essay. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, or better flow.

<<good information and good questions on the entire life-cycle of minerals>>

[[good introduction, and good body text; need to work on conclusion to reflect on the whole essay.]]

{{ use simpler sentences with active voice, and try using 'I' less frequently}}

First Essay on Minerals [[could use a more interesting title]]

In nearly every aspect of my life there are minerals present. From kicking rocks while

walking on concrete sidewalks to sitting in a brick building at a black stone desk, I notice THAT minerals

(in things that are around) SURROUND me [[use active voice]]. What I did not realize (was the presence of) THAT minerals WERE INVOLVED in MAKING electronic(s) DEVICES,