What follows are bona fide bloopers written by high school and college students. These sentences, verbatim, have appeared in high school essay contest entries, college application essays, and college student papers. As a career teacher, I print them here for your amusement and edification, with no malice or cynicism intended. If you have any additions to this page, to The World According to Newspaper Headlines, or to Weird Science feel free to e-mail them to me at email@example.com.
"If someone is a vegetable, it is fruitless to try to keep him alive on a machine."
"A great person never said this, but they should have."
"In the 20s, one drawback was the number of 'bad' drivers and the accidents they caused, such as Daisy Buchanan and her tragic accident with Gatsby's automobile."
"I used to be a self-scented person, but then I grew up."
"One who is the victim of a motorcycle accident would have a lot less trouble in terms of not wearing his helmet if he would only use his head while driving."
"In the future, life is still more than interaction between people."
"To experience the Wonton Death and Destruction of visiting the Civil War would be horrifying to imagine."
"I had a revelation, but I use the word lightly."
"He was one of those young kids with cancerous raging hormones."
"The discussions were clouded in elaborate systems of rules and manners as ornate as the clothes of the conversationalists."
"Frostbite was common, as were men with amputatable limbs."
"In 2222, pollution, ozone, and Greenpeace are far from being problems as they are in the real world."
"I would always read the works of the cavalier poets whose works always reflected the sentiment 'Cease the Day.'"
"In war, man kills so that he can improve his culture."
"Sewage is supplied by the city of Harrisburg, and is maintained by a maintenance crew."
"My T.I.P.S. training helped me to identify people who were intoxicated and how to persuade them to stop drinking, which I never learned in the classroom."
"The guests are predominantly from New York and other New England States."
"Market fluctuations are continually rising."
"The statue of David's arms were taut with sheer perfect muscle--his marble veins bulged with blood."
"The people were all laying on their sides, like the Romans did."
"Thanks to Woodstock, people everywhere realized that there may be more to life than a man, a woman, two children, and a garage with a dog."
"In the Renaissance an unwary rodent became a grand feast."
"The past does not interest me because we know everything about it."
"I can not imagine a more beautiful picture than my mother bearing a child--me."
"In the 1920s, no one intelligent believed in God."
"The world is a changing society. Politically, there is South Africa and Eastern Europe. Socially, there is the abortion and death penalty. Physically, there are AIDS and greenhouse."
"A central part of the Beatnik generation was their subtle drug experimentation."
"The romantic and armoratory love of the 18th century would woe any women."
"I have always wished I could have been the pilgrim on the Mayflower to catch that first glimpse of the beautiful New York skyline."
"If I could time travel, I would go back to Christ's time and upon hearing him speak would think 'I can't believe it--his words are almost exactly as they appear in the Bible!"
"I don't see the big deal in Shakespeare, in fact, he's full of clichés."
"The members come from a fifty-mile-square radius."
"As I see the world in 2004, the ozone layer is going strong and working hard to protect the eyes and skin of a new, united world."
From a Shakespeare final: "Romeo cannot really be blamed for Ophelia's death."